calken666

calken666

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In RaiNboWs,..

[Feb. 20th, 2009|06:56 pm]

[	Current Mood	\|	cranky	]
[	Current Music	\|	15 Step - Radiohead	]

god i needa go on the compiuter more often man! gee willackerss. haha BUT OMG, so, im talking to some people who i used to be bestesttest friends with, but it allll broke totally fucking apart horridly in the summertimeish. and we dont talk or anything or even loook at me anymore. buttt, i started talkin to some of them, the ones i truly miss and like and have always loved, randomly, and like... it was great! thing is, i am not awakrd around people,like. i cant be. MOST USUALLY. sometimes.. but. usually not! anwyays, so i jsut acted like nothing had happened. nothing had ruined my life. nothing had made mee do drugs get drunk cut not eat puke over eat cry cry cry scream scream scream want to diiie see shrinks be alone feeel alone always alone !!! nothing had gone wrong. anddd, it worked! in the minor sense of the wor di mean. like, we're talking now. i said we should hang out, just us. and they agreed! (it would be sooototallyomg grade ten again!! :) haha) soo, im in a rather good mood atm. well, kindaaaa. like. idunno. ive been eating A LOT lately. i guess because im always home!? like, i go to shcool. most days. buttt, i dont ask people to hang out anymore. i dont really get asked to hang out anymore. and when i do, sometime i just.. say no thanks. yknow. something fuckin ridonculous! argh! i wish , as horrid as this sounds, that i was one of those lucky people who dont eat when theyre stressed man! i would be soo fuckin skkinny haha. mother and bhreagh are like that. im.. not. really not. its.. fuckin blows chunks man! literally. haha.. ha. PUNny, i know. but really, i throw up a ll the time now again. aaaand, it s getting harder again. and my teeth hurt all the time. and my body hurts all the time. and my eyes ae liek permanently bllodshot and gross. and.. im still 140lbs. HATE. LIFE. GAH! worsest numbers in the book ever. ugh.
i should be fuckin wasted right now dude. its fridya night. im home, i went out today to book store. got art book and artsy calebnders only for the pcitutres, as i already have a pink floyd calendar. im listening to radiohead and will probably go paint after this. or call my girlfriend, fuck! havent seen her ina while. its been rather distant. my faultr, im sure. of corse it is! when isnt it? duh. heelllooo!
mk, well, ... im going to go be creative i suppose. wish i hadnt eaten so much today. lemme think, for freakfast i had 3pieces of toast, bowl of fruit (banana, orange, kiwi). I later had chips (I KNOW FAIL!) salad for lunch, some candy from valentines day (HATECHUUU!) carrot sticks and a copuple crackers when hunger hit then a bowl of special k with raisins for supper. plus a couple bites of meghans banana with peanut butter on it, UGH. barf.
immm, parettty much soo fuckin fat. mk. hate myself x tenmilion. basickly.
ps pavilion show saturday. exboyfriend is going, cause i am no doubt. and im asking girlfreind to go with me. cause i miss her. maybe ill rape her. in front of him. MUAHAHAH! jkjk. im... a fuckin ASSWHIPE. but we know this, already, no?
mk. im gonna skiddadle (wow did i JUST speak that word.. haha. goddd.)
im no salvador dali but art=yay ! EFN. ugh, bye.
how do good moods disappear me within minutes? my thoughts are to blame.
anti-depressants, PS, might be going on FINALLY. mum has forced me too for fuckin ages, but i enever wanted to weakly rely on a pill to be happy, .. atleast not a legal one. ;) LOL, chea! but... im so fuckin down 24/7 maybeeee i neeed it. i know i do, maybe isnt a question! but.. we'll see.
KBYE, !

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the soft parade

[Jan. 26th, 2009|02:55 pm]

[	Current Mood	\|	uncomfortable	]
[	Current Music	\|	The Who - Who Are You	]

Ughh. I FEEEL LIKE SHIIIIT.
Im sick, cough* as always... my throat is torrrrn the fuck apart, I think because Ive been puking alot lately again... hmm. Damn it man! Im actually a bit concerned, as lame as that sounds, but cause like... last time I barfed [days ago now.. lame.] there was ... blood. And stuff. And just... NOT GOOD?!?! Soo, im thinkin like... well fuck dude, whatd I dooo to my throat/insides/self now?! But, I can't now anyways. So... thats a good thing? In the technical and not emotional sense of the word...
Anyways... Im home from school today... havent gone for a while now. I feel like a fuckin hermit. I left the house for the first time in fuckin days yesterday to go to a movie in Halifax at the Oxford (<3!) with, get ready for this one- my mother. !!! LOL. See, we wanttokilleachbasicklyalot (DUHHH.) but x100 lately, I guese because Ive been a bigger fuckin bitch then usual, seeing as life, as it now stans, is the PITSSSS; broke up with boyfriend, eatingfaq*^4$, lost bestfriend -ithink?myownfault.- tired and sick as fuck ETC... im just falling the fuck apart dude! But she asked me to go see some movie with her the other day, and I was like uhh, no fuck you?? Duh lol. So she was all upset, and puttin the whole GUILTTRIP -classic move, Marian- on me as per usual. Then the next day-yesterday? idunno anymore man.- I was upset shafdhs and crying in my bed in the dark in the middle of day, nothing hugely new here folks, and she came in. And I was pissed, but... so emotional that I gave in. And she was sweet. And all that mushygushy SHITE. So, we went. And it was actually the a kickass movie man! It was called Slumdog Millionaire. And it was fuckin raaad.
I also saw the movie MILK -yknow the one.. maybe you dont, if youre ignorant and homophobic- about the Gay politic Harvey Milk?? Anwyays, that was fuckin great too. I loved it aha, and I think Marian thoiught it was alright too. Although she really wanted to see that damn prettyboyBradPittmovie, Benjamin somethingorother, so I said we could go because she sat through gayprideloveness with mee.
Yeapp. Im pretty much a bigass loser by now folks. :D Gawwwd...
In other news, I have gained about ten more pounds?! This is because of stupidass vacation, notb being able to go for runs/walks outside inthe fuckin nagative amillionkazillion degress weather and not puking.
FAWKKK.
But, Ive been trrrrrying. A lot. Lately. Becuase,. i feel and look disgusting and whatnot. Mmm.
Weeelll, guess I shoudl really be styudying for stupidass fuckin exams now thjough. RAWRR, theyre tmorrow. and the next day. And the next day.
Haaaate liiiiife. ugh.
EFN, Cal.
PS- hopefully getting couple of new tatts on both wrists next weekend after exams and everything over. Ex-BF's bands gig is on that sauryday though, so we'll see. He (I dont like using names here. Theyre too... personal.) said he wants me to go. He said he still will love me. He said he didnt want to break up. He said he doesn't like Her. He says a lot of things.
I wonder if I say enough. Sometimes I wish I could. But other times...

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Bullimic Rainbows, and Kids we've gotta new White Devil!

[Nov. 30th, 2008|12:49 pm]

[	Current Mood	\|	indifferent	]
[	Current Music	\|	Pyscho Holiday - Pantera	]

fhsp%*hms. Good start, eh
So, I went back to school, for a day.
It sucked, but I dunno... it actually wasn't too bad... I was almost stoked to see everyone again, tbh. My hair turned out to look pretty solid, I dig it. It's uberr short, and I kinda feel gay, but I'm okay with that, considering... dot dot dot. Lol.
What else... oh! We're leaving for Florida on Friday now... I am fucking stoooked man! To get the hell outta here and away from everyone and everything! I cant fucking waaait for December 21st... the day of the AC/DC concert in Florida, OMAAAAN. Gonna kick ass man :D
But, thinkinh about Florida bumms me out slightly, too, considering as I got my health back (did I ever have it to begin with? haha) I got my appetite back, grumblee. So, I ate, duh. Damn you human nature and your starvation status that can't be ignored! Anyways, I was down in my weight, but when you starv e yourself, then eat again, it's not good man! So, I am back up arounddd 128ish? BOOO!!! Laaaamebutt. I am no content with this weight man... and this all has to do with Florida, because Me + bathingsuits = Not psyched. I don't feel like ever looking at myself in the mirror nude again let alone in a bathing suit in public, URGHH. It's my own dfault though man, I mean, what I've been eating, and then not eating then eating again... not a good pattern t'all. Oh! But last night, I was babysitting, and the kids were all in bed, and I had eaten a muffin that the mum had made and had given me one... it was delish! But, I was pissed... because I had eaten a PBJ and various other shit earlier that day, so... nog ood. I got up the sytrength to go into their downstairs bathroom and stick my fingers down my throat... OMG IT FELT SO GOOD DOOD!! Like... I hadn't thrown up for a whiiile, like... a week maybe? And, it alllll cameup , too. I was on cloud 9 hahaha (thats a saying, right? haha)! And I remebered why I was bullimic in the first place... how amazing you feel after you get rid of all the SHIT you ate! Its like a fucking cleanse of not only the body, but soul and mind too? Lol. It makes me wonder, though, if you don't throw up for a while, then try to again, if it comes more steadily? You know? LIke, if it comes up easier and shit... because that's what happened last night when I did... it was easier than before... or maybe because it had been a while, I forgot... ?
ANyways, it was great to relapse like that. :) So, I did it a couple of times after that, too, and when I got home before I went to bed, because I had eaten somethign else...
Today I ate a PB and Banana sandwich and skim milk... it's actually pretty high in calories, but I wanted one! Banana's are healthy.. right? Excuses excuses lol..
Im hoping Ill be too busy this week to eat! Going away Friday, and I have nooothing ready or packed... plus I have a couple of tests and shit due this week; Im going to school this week, I have to... I also have guitar and then a cooncert Monday night, which Im taking Brad to. SPeaking of Bradley... we hung out yesterday, thank god! Itd been a while because I was so feeling like shitty, so I cancelled on him alllot. God IM a bad girlfriend haha. We made plans to hang out every day this week htough, even if hes just sitting in my room watching me pack HAHAHA, funn I know! But I mean, cause I wont be seeing him for a fucking long time! So, guhh. I should study tonight, he said he'd come over and help me, D'AWWW. :) I dont wanna though, fcuk school ughh.
..my god I need to wash my hair haha, random I know, but its pretty greasy feeling... I must look like a goddamn homeless person lol! I mean, I shower every morningg but sometimes dont wash my hair; too little time or too lazy... but now that is shoort I have no excuse I spose hahaha. My mum said I should wash it, I was like ughh. HAHA, being sick, I might as well look like Im feeling inside, right? :P
Like Kurt Cobain<3 said, if he was feeling like a junkie, he might as well be one... trooof doh! haaha
I wanna be ajunkie. God, that sounds horrible I know! Not an addict persay, just.. I love drugs! And I wish I was soo rich that I could be high on coke or shroooms all the time! :) (complete opposites; cocaine and magical mushrooms LOL.. both good time though.) People say Ima big ol druggie all the time though, and I'll end up a fucking addict, but yknow, there are people worse than me out there hello!! Oh well.. :) Now I wanna get high lol, but when dont you wanna get high I mean c'mon,its a good time!!
Well, I guess Ive rambled e-fucking-nough about now man... I dunno when I'll write again... maybe when Im on the computer again when I get my new MP3; hopefully soon before Friday!! Guh..
EFN, Caleigh.xx

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Touch Me, I'm SICK!

[Nov. 25th, 2008|02:34 pm]

[	Current Mood	\|	drained	]
[	Current Music	\|	Zombie - The Cranberries	]

I guess when I think about it, I always felt I didn't like the way I looked.
I had body issues from when I was in elementary school I think... I never forget a time when camping with family and we had eaten a big ol meal, yknow... corn on the cob, hamburgers, the whole nine (million calorie count)yards... and I was probably in like, grade 7 or something, and I looked at my stomach in my bating suit. I noticed it wasn't perfectly flat... so I complained about it, saying I was fat and all that bullshit, and my cousins and their rents and my rents and sissters, etc, were all oh no youre not Caleigh! Everyone loks like that after they eat!
Yeahh.
Of course, it wasn't "bad" until last year, when I started shoving my fingers down my throat after anything I ate. I hadn't worried about it too too badly until then in grade ten I suppose because thats around the stupid fucking age when you CANT eat whatever you want, and work it off simply by being a child and/or not caring about your looks!! Aww, the joys of growing up... So, I would throw up food I consumed because I felt fat, so what? Even though, I would loove to look how I did at my peak back then, now! But since my Mum found out what I was secretly, so I thoguht, doing and maaade me stooop, I have only gaaained weight. URGHHH. </3. It really fucking stresses me out man! All i think about, day in and day out (Sweet rhyme,haha.) is being skinny and looking like fucking... Mischa Barton or, better yet drugged and tattooed out Amy Winehouse! I honestly can say that its a problem. My whole life seems to be a pronblem though, for me aha. I call it a problem because I can';t seem to fucking solve it! I cant throw up anymore, even though I did not indeeed stop when I told my Mum I did, but thats what she needed to hear, right? But, when I didnt vomit after a meal, I would think back to my stomach, and look at myself, and EWW! And, I was gaining! Because, of this vile... stupidass... thing I haaad to not.. do.. So I would "relapse all the time, and Mum found out, as mothers do. And I was forced again. Needless to say, I am actually not physically able to purge anymore man... my barf reflexes and that little waggly thingy inthe back of your throat are shot to death... my body simply won't allow it anymore.
So now I have to just, not eat. Simple!
I wish it were that simple...
The past days I havent been eating a lot... compared to what I used to eat (up to 2000 cals a day!! Eww.) Like, yesterday all I ate was cereal and fruit, and today Ive only had a lowfat bagel (140 cal. Pretty good.) and 3 grapes. Obviously my Mum is onto me... she keeps fucking telling me to eat, or asking to make me something to eat?!, or telling me to stop bneing so fucking dumb and obessing about the way you look! You are beautiful! Hahaha. Okay mother. Thanks, but no thanks, right. I weigh around 130 = not beautiful. The past couple of days I have gone down to around 125 though, because of my starvation tactics. :D SCORE! I feel like SHIT, and am absolutely starving, but I will not give in... I have just been lying around, and sleeping, and smoking a lot... Its fine... its fine? its fine! Sure... Well, it will be. When Im a walking skeleton at GW (for now) of 110! 20 pounds away! 15 now!! I just need distractions, you know... and Drugs!<3
My family is going away to Florida for Xmas Vac. and thats in about 2 weeks... a bit less I suppose... so I need to loose more weight before then!! So I can actually wear a bathing suit, and Not totally hate the way I look...
Im really scared though. Scared to be around my family that whole time! And around all the Xmas food and goodies! I cant give in, but I cant worry them too much (like when we went out for Mums bday lunch at Cora's the other day, and I wouldnt order anything, and didnt! Mum made me eat some fruit, but I only nibbled at it... I could tell they were urrked. Oh well..) and make them notice my life slipping away and becoming shorter every starving day!
But, who needs fab health, when you can have beautiful bones creeping through your skin, with no meat and flab!?!
Thats what I would like to know.

Wish me luck. Think Thin!
EFN, Caleigh. xx

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Up the fuckin metal!

[Nov. 25th, 2008|02:03 pm]

[	Current Mood	\|	sick	]
[	Current Music	\|	Necrophobic - Slayer	]

Well fuck dude. I made this account fuckin ages ahgo, in the summer,but I never ever ever go on the computrer man! I guess because of the password my rents put on it ages ago when they wanted to show hate towards things I enjoy in life. Loverly, I know. Computer in my own room, and I can't do jack shit... because, "Im a junkie, selfish, failing, rude, sarcastic little bitch" basically. :)
Scooore!
Children love to hear and feel this love from parentials, clearlyy.
My God, I can ramble on and fucking on about ANYTHING apparently man, so I guess thats why I got this bullshit account in the first place... That and the fact that I fucking love writing. Ive kept a journal, or fifttyymilllionn since I was basically out of the womb (is that the right word? uegh, I dont wanna know man...) and I would just... pee everywhereeee! if I could be a journalist or some kinda writer thingy careerr type dealyo when I "Grow-Up". Lawl. Ya-huh.
Well anwayys, Im on here now (Duh.) and would like to tryyy to come on more... Im home fuckin sick as shit (Sick shit?? hmm... works for me.) with Strep Throat, appanrelty. I havent been to school since friday and todays Tuesday or something I think? So my weekend scuked ASS, missed a couple of parties thus drunken times and fucks with the boyy, but I did get high Friday night so that is good at least... wasnt a toootal sober loss of a time. Blah. Anways,I felt like I had the flu or something, like hot flashes(menapause anyone? LMAO.)/chills, aches,pains, barfing, etc you know the drill... but then today I was like OMFG OWW I CANT EVEN FUCKING SWALLOW OR BREATHE OR TALK WITHOUT DEATH CREEEPING IN MY THROAT AND BURNING MY INNER SELF!!?! GAAAH!!
basically.
So Mum came home and took me to the doctors, and buddy was like Ya,Ima jam a fuckin SWAB thingy down your ALREADY INFLAAAMED throat and ask you shit then tell you simply obviously you have Strept. YEYE! Gawwwd. I had this before... it's not pleasent my friend. Fuck. But, on the brigfht side... brightER side I guess, theres really not a hugely bright side atm haha... but as an attempt for optimism! Doc said I cant go to school for atleast 2 more days... scooore! Even though, I have projects, test, meetings and shit to do, and a couple of articles I wrote for the school newspaper is coming out tmorrow, OH WELL! I can stay home, and maybe do this more.. Im cool. LAWL.
Oh! And Im chopping all my hair off man! Its so fuckin dead from bleach, hair dye, and ... the way I treat my body in general lmao... :\ So, Ima cut it raay short. Brad said itll look hot anyways. D'aww. :) Eveyrone thinks itll look rad, so whatevr. My hair is so many colors right now anwayys, and the most recent bright neon orangeish color in the front is too Hayley from Paramore (EWW.) so yaa. Thats tmorrow night, if I can get out of bed and move and talk at all HAHA. gah..
Jesus! K, I need to shut the fuck up now man! See? Raaaambleerr... (Midnight? haha. classssic.)
EFN, Caleigh. xx

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